We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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