I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
