Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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