I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
