you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
