i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
