it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
