After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
