i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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