I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I looked at my own cervix.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
