You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
