my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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