dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
