That's intense
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
