I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
