I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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