Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
