3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
