just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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