my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
