When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
