I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
