the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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