My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
