You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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