You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
