how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
