haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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