and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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