Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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