I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
