He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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