Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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