I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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