Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i think my cat just said my name.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i think i just lost a toe
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
