I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
