I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
