you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
