i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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