i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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