Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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