Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
