I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
