4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
