We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
