Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
