even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
