I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
