you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
