New invention idea: vibrating tampons
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
