alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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